Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in encorigable's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, November 25th, 2009
11:53 pm	Links I went searching for some friends of mine I haven't spoken with in many years (Vicki Blue and Bethany from "Bethany's Woodshed") and came across some interesting links in the process: A story by my old friend, Vicki Blue: http://www.vickiblue.com/samples/chapterronerw.html Tips for men on how to give an effective punishment spanking: http://www.herwoodshed.com/library/primer.html A woman describes her DD relationship: http://www.herwoodshed.com/library/zelda1.html An article on the psychological reasons behind the urges: http://www.sexherald.com/sexual-taboo/why_spanking.html This one's about a woman's first adult spanking. I found interesting (if not entirely to my tastes). The "Daddy" thing weirds me out a little: http://www.herwoodshed.com/library/adult.html I found this interesting both because it speaks in terms of "coming out" and because it mentions alt.sex.spanking - which was my own first foray into this some 14-15 years ago: http://www.herwoodshed.com/library/spanko.html Interesting from the standpoint of explaining discipline vs. foreplay: http://www.herwoodshed.com/library/marie.html Interesting on many levels: http://www.herwoodshed.com/library/josh.html The site of another old friend: http://fondlyandfirmly.com/ And commentary on the above: http://www.salon.com/urge/feature/1999/01/07feature.html (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
1:08 am	I haven't posted a (public) entry in nearly a year now. Mea Culpa. I've gained a -little- bit more experience since I last updated, and thought I would chronicle it here, for posterity. These last couple of months I've been talking with a fellow I met on one of the more "traditional" Internet dating sites. (My profile there says I have a submissive streak - he picked up on it.) After a couple months of chatting and talking on the webcam, we agreed to meet. After a fun date (dinner, followed by a walk in the park) we found ourselves back at my place. Let me preface the following by saying that if I'd known he was going to be.....pursuing other options, we wouldn't have wound up doing any of the following. I can be a bit of a prude that way. But given the frequency and duration of our conversations and his insistence that it wasn't really a "first date". I allowed him a little more leeway than I normally would. We fooled around a bit. It was very tame, really - but for someone with no real "submissive" experience, it felt very new and different. We watched tv together on my couch for several hours. I was wearing a skirt, and at some point, lost my panties. He pulled me to him, so I was mostly laying on his lap (mostly face up, but for awhile, face down, he had me shift around a bit). While I was face up on his lap, he drew both of my arms up over my head and held them in place with one of his hands. He used his other hand to pinch and pull (up top) and explore (down below). Some of it was slightly painful, as these were areas that hadn't seen any use in awhile. Most painful was the nipples, I think, as I'd never had them pinched or pulled on before. Although having his fingers inside me didn't hurt at the time, it was slightly uncomfortable (and I was sore for a couple of days afterwards). What I found interesting was how -different- it all felt with my hands restrained. I tried to take them back a couple of times, and both times he calmly, deliberately, pinned them back over my head. The sense that he was going to do what he wanted to do was....very heady. There were a couple of times when the discomfort got so bad from all the pinching/pulling/fingering that I was tempted to say, "stop", but managed to grit my teeth and bear it out. When I did, I could feel my adrenaline rising, and when he actually would stop (or paused for a moment) I would relax to the point of feeling like I was melting right into him (if that makes any sense). Those moments were the best - almost surreal. I have a much better understanding now of that old joke about "beating your head against a wall because it feels so good when you stop". More about this later, after I've given it some more thought. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
5:04 am	Ok, I've been thinking about this a little more, and I think I may be getting somewhere with it. I don't think Dom Friend #2 was incorrect in his assessment that I find some aspect of humiliation erotic. I don't think the humiliation aspect is necessary to the scenario, though. I actually think it's secondary to something else. I'll try to explain by way of an example: A very dear friend of mine is the primary caretaker of his elderly grandfather, a man that suffers from dementia. One of the things that initially drew me to this friend was the way in which he treats his grandfather. It was in evidence the first time I went over to his place - he introduced his grandfather as his "roommate" and "best friend". I could see right away what a selfless and caring person my friend was. His grandfather, at the time, was having flu-like symptoms, and my friend insisted that he drink a glass of TheraFlu. Apparently, his grandfather hates TheraFlu with a white-hot passion. He protested, and balked, and argued - but with my friend's determination, he eventually got the TheraFlu down, and later felt better for it, despite not having enjoyed it very much (at all) at the time. This display of caring (as I saw it, at any rate) for his grandfather absolutely made me swoon, and I instantly felt turned on. While I find nothing erotic about elderly gentlemen with dementia (or TheraFlu), my friend's actions stirred something very primitive in me, and completely endeared him to me. I, myself, would find nothing "humiliating" about being made to drink TheraFlu. Some might argue that it would be a bit condescending and, in theory, maybe it is. I was there, though, and saw the entire exchange. My friend treated his grandfather with all the respect due a man of his age. He patiently explained to his grandfather why he needed to drink the medicine, and stood firm despite protests from his grandfather. There was nothing condescending about the way in which he we went about it. Dom Friend #2 believes I'm drawn to the humiliation aspect of spanking. Here's why: I let Dom Friend #2 spank me so I could see what it felt like. (I'll post in more detail about this later; right now - just the relevant parts.) Let me explain here that I'm a bit funny about nudity. More modest than most, I would guess, especially with people I'm not in a relationship with. And I'm not in a relationship with Dom Friend #2 (other than as friends). I gave him consent -only- to spank over my clothes. I took more than I thought I could. Probably more than he thought I could, too. :) Later that evening he had me pinned in place for "round two", and (without any warning of what he was about to do) flipped up my skirt to "assess the damage". I was mortified, and a little taken aback. He said, "I don't you don't like this, but I -need- to see if you're bruising before we proceed". I wasn't happy that he did it, but I understood his reasons for doing it, and I didn't get angry with him. Later I told him it had been a bit of a turn-on, in retrospect. Not because I was humiliated, per se. Not because he was looking at my bare behind, but because he knew it was something I wouldn't like, he saw it as necessary, and he was willing to risk my ire to make sure than it got done. That decisiveness and determination, together with what I perceived as the caring reason behind his actions, is what I found arousing. Now, there are complicating factors, I'll admit. Could there have been ulterior motives involved? Possibly, but I don't think so, in this case. At least, none significant enough for it not to have been a turn-on for me. He could have wanted to look at my bare bottom just for looking's sake; but I don't see it as likely. It really was just the quickest of peeks, and he didn't linger over it/eroticize it, etc. And really - my bottom is nothing to write home about. I supposed he could have been looking just to satisfy his own curiosity about how red he could turn a girl's ass, but if he was, I can't exactly begrudge him that. We met up to explore a mutual interest, and while baring my bottom wasn't a part of my fantasy, it might have been part of his. And while I'd told him I was uncomfortable with nudity, I hadn't expressed it as a "hard limit", or taken steps to ensure that it couldn't happen (by wearing more clothes, or clothes that weren't as easily rearranged). At any rate, I took what he said he was doing at face value and assumed he was checking to see how much damage was done, and if anything needed to be done to remedy it. I could see this coming into play to a greater degree in a long-term, serious, caring relationship. If I loved a man - really loved him, I'd like to think that I'd be as committed to fulfilling his fantasies as he was to fulfilling mine. For that reason, if he took a bit of pleasure in causing me a -small- amount of pain or embarrassment, I'd be okay with it as it would give me joy and satisfaction in the same way one would get joy and satisfaction from giving someone a gift they both wanted and appreciated. The delight of the receiver would make the cost of the gift seem inconsequential. I realize that I'd either have to completely trust him to decide what was best for me (and within my limits) or rely on safewords since some instances of this probably wouldn't occur to us when "negotiating" what was okay and what wasn't. But I'd also like to think that in a long-term, caring relationship, some of that would come with time and experience. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
3:35 am	Still trying to figure out how to classify myself. 1. Various friends of mine say I'm obviously submissive. (These are casual friends that don't have a clue as to what I might be like in the bedroom; where they're getting this idea from, I don't know). 2. Dom friend says I'm "achingly submissive" based on my outlook (or, at least, how I described it to him). 3. Dom friend #2 says he's figured me out, and that what I really seek is humiliation. (I searched on "submissive humiliation" and read what the Wiki had to say. None of what was there seemed to describe me in the least.) 4. I took a quiz on OKCupid that seems to suggest I'm in it for the pain. I wouldn't have said that at all, either. I really don't like pain, and will do just about anything I can to avoid it. I still have no clue. Based on a few conversations I've had (still little/no actual experience) I can say this: 1. I don't like being sworn at, or being called a slut. 2. I find it difficult, if not impossible, to call someone "Sir" without cracking up. 3. I have absolutely no desire to serve as anyone's ashtray/spittoon/chamber-pot/whatever. 4. The idea of someone slapping me across the face sickens me. So...can I really be submissive? (Comment on this)
3:31 am	I'm not sure how accurate these are, but I thought I'd try them just to see. Your Score: Kinky Submissive You scored 20% Humiliation, 26% Submissiveness, 25% Service, and 38% Pain! You're the kinky submissive, you scored relatively low in both submissiveness and service meaning you scored high on either pain or humiliation. You're into bdsm for either the pain or the humiliation, or both! You don't value highly the need to service a Dom or the need to feel conrolled, what you want is either a scene with pain in it, or humiliation, either way you'd probably be more comfortable in a relationship with a Dom in which you meet for the scene, and no very long term scenes. Also scening with your vanilla partner is a valid option, you could ahve alot of fun that way, more then the regular sex. You're just kinky :) If you enjoyed my test and you are a bi female why not hop over and do my other test? The BDSM threesome Test Link: The submissive type Test written by absenceofbeauty on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test Your Score: TRADITIONAL LOVER You scored 38% kinkyness and 54% traditional! Humm you like the good old sex, if you want to add positions to your arsenal try http://www.sexualpositionsfree.com Link: The kinky or traditional Test written by jamesiv18 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
5:55 pm	Denial Phases I was recently asked to explain my "denial phases". These are periods during which I eschewed these feelings, and everything associated with them. I couldn't really deny that I -had- the feelings; they'd been a part of me since early childhood. I could, however, control my reaction to them - whether or not I acted on them - and so I denied myself the possibility of doing so. It was easier to do this at some times rather than others. While the feelings never go away, they do have a tendency to wax and wane. Which is to say, there is never a time at which this -doesn't- appeal to me. It's just that there are times when I'm feverish about it, and times when I can let it take a back seat to other things going on in my life. I have many regrets concerning the periods of time I think of as my "denial phases". Before the Internet came into popular use, I'd write about my feelings on the subject either on paper, or on a word processor. Either way, I had a "tangible" copy of what I'd written, and that haunted me. For some reason, I couldn't bear to think about anyone finding it and knowing this about me. I'm not nearly as "paranoid" as I used to be, but I still hide behind the Internet's cloak of anonymity. I still don't keep a hard copy of my thoughts on the matter, or of the stories that I write (dozens of which I threw away, over the years). I don't have them on my hard drive, either. But by keeping a journal online, I can save everything I write while minimizing the risk that I'll be found out, or that everything I've written will be destroyed in a "literary purge", should I go through another one of my "denial phases". I'm actually hoping that I won't go through any more "denial phases". I started keeping my blog a little over a year ago, which is probably the longest I've gone without going through such a phase. Putting my feelings into words has been very therapeutic for me. It helps me better understand myself when I have my accumulated writings of the last sixteen or so months to look back on. There was a time that I hated myself for desiring this, but now, when I read what I've written, I see a more sympathetic character - a woman with an important need that isn't simply going to go away. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 8th, 2007
9:20 pm	Arousal Today I was asked: If you were in a relationship with a man whom you were having sex with - it stands to reason that he would see your bare bottom on a regular basis - especially since your favorite sexual position is doggie style. So if he is spanking your bottom - then what would it matter if he peeked under the hood to see how red your hiney was? It wouldn't matter, I guess, from a modesty standpoint. But there's a fine line. If it crossed that line and began to feel more like an erotic (rather than a disciplinary) spanking, I think it would take on a different feel. It's a mental thing, I guess. Depending on how I felt about the disciplinary spanking, this could be a good or a bad thing, I guess. If I was angry and didn't want to be spanked - well, I guess even that could go either way. Emotions could be running so high that a spanking segued right into sex, OR I might have hurt feelings, be sullen, resistant to sexual advances, etc, If I was unhappy and resistant, I think it would be a very temporary state. Remember, I can't stay angry for more than a few minutes at a time. It's possible that I'd want sex as part of the "comforting" afterwards, but it's equally possible that I'd feel like I didn't deserve to have sexual pleasure at that time. Or maybe I'd be too exhausted, in pain, etc. It depends on a number of factors. Now the next day (or maybe just a matter of hours afterwards, depending, again, on how I felt about the incident in general), I think I'd be pretty insatiable. I think I'd feel like I described when you asked about feeling the sting a day or two later. I'd feel like I was with a capable man that loved me and made me feel safe, and valued, and the mere thought of him having spanked me the day before (or whenever) would probably be enough to make a change of underwear necessary. So - at the time of the spanking - maybe, maybe not. In retrospect, hell yes. And that one spanking would probably be enough to last me for awhile, I would think. It would definitely fuel my fantasies for awhile. If the guy demonstrated his willingness to spank me (in a disciplinary sense) on a regular basis, that intensity wouldn't have much, if any, time to wane, and I think I'd experience a near-constant state of arousal. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
9:36 pm	Bratting - A Question From a Confidante Here's a question from one of my "confidantes", and my answer to it: In a spanking relationship - could you ever see yourself being a brat on purpose (nothing terribly bad) to get your man to spank you? I might do something small to get a "playful" spanking, but I couldn't see myself going out and doing something I wouldn't normally do (i.e., spend a lot of money, treat someone badly, etc.) That would seem to go against the spirit of it all. If the man is naturally inclined to spank, he'll probably be looking for reasons to spank me - and he'll find plenty. :) I'm naturally a bit mischievous - a practical joker/prankster. Nothing mean-spirited. Remember the true story I posted in my journal about my boss spanking me? Think along those lines. I do things, sometimes without even realizing it, that are slightly obnoxious or annoying. If I was in that kind of relationship, and it made the man feel better to warm my bottom for it, fine. I'd much rather him do that than seethe, or yell, or file it away to bring out later in an argument. My hope is that some of the "tension" could be diffused if the balance of power shifted and he felt like he came out "on top". Again, think about the incident I described in my journal. My boss was genuinely peeved at me for awhile there, but he showed me up, had a good laugh, and even shook my hand afterwards for having been a "good sport" about it. It also gave me cause to think, from that point forward, before I did something jokingly that might embarrass him or tick him off. If it was all in fun (and I was out of easy reach!) I continued to joke with him. But if I had any hesitation about the appropriateness of what I was about to say/do or how it might be taken, I managed to keep myself from doing it. While it's fun to look back on, I was terribly embarrassed at the time. There were almost always other people in the store, and I knew that wouldn't give him a moment's pause, as it hadn't before. I'd already been made a spectacle of once - the last thing I wanted was a repeat performance! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 5th, 2007
10:46 pm	Like-Minded People I don't often seek out like-minded people because (in addition to generally not wanting to talk about it/admit it to others) is the fact that I don't want a relationship that's solely (or primarily) built around spanking. There's so much more to me than that. Like most others, I enjoy being with people that I have a lot in common with. I don't know what percentage of men are inclined this way, but it seems to be far fewer than I'd originally thought. I'll admit it does seem like an exercise in futility to meet people (with whom there's a mutual attraction) in the the normal course of my life, spend time getting to know and possibly love them, and find out after "springing" it on them (so to speak) that they think this is "silly" or "weird". But what are my alternatives? I could look for like-minded people online, but that's not been especially easy, either. This is less of a sexual thing for me, I think, than it is for most others. Sex figures into it, of course, but I think it would be misleading to use the "adult friend finders", etc. I'm not looking for someone to "slap my ass" - anyone can do that. And I have no idea what kind of people I'd meet on those kinds of sites, anyway. On the other hand, this philosophy isn't exactly "mainstream", either. To explain it would take much more space than is allowed, I think, on regular matchmaking sites. I guess for the time being I'll continue to write about it, using comments others make and the questions they ask as a springboard. I'm sure many others have experienced (or at least, thought through) more of this than I have, and I can learn from them while getting down on paper my own thoughts and philosophies. If nothing else, this should help me better understand myself, and set the groundwork for possibly explaining myself, at some point, to others in my life. (Comment on this)
10:44 pm	The Temper Thing Again While I have a very quick "flash-in-the-pan" temper, I can't stay angry for long. This has been a huge source of frustration for people I've been involved with in the past. A few minutes after the blow-up (while they're still reeling from the insults I've hurled at them) I've moved on, and am back to my normal non-bitchy self. It shouldn't surprise me that they're still upset and angry. But because I've gotten all the anger out of my system, I tend to assume they're okay, too. I don't sulk and snarl for weeks. I can't. But when I see the anger and hurt that they're left with - when I see how something I've said or done in haste and anger has affected them - I feel terrible. I've never been spanked hard, and I would imagine that it would hurt - but it can't possibly be as painful as what I put myself through when I realize I've hurt someone I love. I'd try almost anything to avoid doing it. I would hope that my anger would be taken down a notch simply by the fact that the person in question was asserting themselves and standing up to me rather than taking the abuse meekly. But if not, a spanking might, if nothing else, knock the wind out of me long enough for me to gain control of myself. I'd probably back down before it became necessary, but if not, I imagine I would be too busy trying to prevent it from happening to argue. And if the fellow succeeded (in spanking me, as he probably would) it wouldn't do any lasting damage, unlike many of the things I've said in anger. (Comment on this)
10:39 pm	Submissive? I was recently asked if I enjoy it when men do things like hold doors open for me, drive the car, pick up the check, etc. Here was my answer. Most of these things I would expect (or at least hope for) from a man. I'd feel a bit hurt if he didn't hold doors open for me (but to me, that's a courtesy I extend to everybody. If there's someone directly behind me, male or female, I hold the door. Letting it shut in their face would be outright rude.) As for driving - I much prefer the man to drive, at least most of the time. I have my own car, and I'm perfectly capable of driving when I need to get myself from one place to another, But it feels somehow unnatural to have an adult male passenger. I've never quite been able to figure out why. When paying the check, I always (at least) offer to pay my part (which is a habit my father insists I need to drop). Again, it's the problem of societal expectations. If the man doesn't take charge in other areas, I don't feel like I can just assume that he's willing and able to pick up the check. I'm pretty opinionated, and I have my favorites in terms of restaurants, entertainment, etc. However, I've found that I rarely regret my decision when I defer to someone else to make the choice. More often than not, I find the change of pace refreshing. That being said, I would hope that any man I'd be with would take my needs/preferences into consideration when choosing. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 2nd, 2007
7:23 am	Compliance vs. Resistance Here's how I sort of "envision" an encounter taking place, from my point of view, in terms of compliance/resistance. While it would never be necessary for a man to "wrestle me to the ground" to spank me, I don't think I could put myself over someone's knee willingly - there's always going to be some part of me that panics or refuses to budge. In those situations, though, ir would probably just be a matter of the man having to guide me over his knee. When I talk about "fighting" a spanking (at least, where I'm concerned) it would probably make more sense to say "resisting". If my adrenaline is really pumping, I could see myself resisting - crying, pulling away, trying to sit down, etc., to make it more difficult for him to get at me. What I don't see myself doing is kicking, scratching, clawing, biting, hitting, or any of that. (The damage I could inflict would probably be minimal, but you learn very early, at my size, that there are some men out there that will not hesitate to do any of these back to you!) If there's a way to get out of it (a discipline spanking) by causing a bit of a disruption, I can almost guarantee I'll try it, as I'll be genuinely apprehensive. I won't want to bring more trouble upon myself, though, and risk making the situation worse. More than anything I think it would be a test of the man's resolve. Is he absolutely dead-set on spanking me, right then, for that offense, or could I wheedle my way out of it or (at least) buy myself some time? Does he really believe that I need and deserve this, or, can I somehow convince him that it isn't necessary? This is where I think it would be especially beneficial for the guy to have a significant size advantage over me. If he has resolved to spank me and doesn't want to postpone the inevitable or put up with any more shenanigans, he could quickly and without much effort put me into position and get the job done. I think once in position I'd be much less inclined to "fight" as it would seem to be a lost cause. Depending on the severity, speed and duration of the spanking, I could see see myself continuing to resist to a lesser degree; i.e. trying to get up off his lap (if he's not holding me securely), pleading with him to stop, etc. If the spanks are coming fast, I know I'll try to use my hands to shield my bottom. There's absolutely no helping that (unless he can manage to pin my hands together, or underneath me). If the pain isn't too unbearable, and I have something to hold onto that's helping me to balance (the arm he's gripping me with, or some other solid object) I'd probably be slightly less inclined to use my hands as a shield (especially if I had the sense that I'd lose my balance and likely land on my face if I let go!) I have no idea at what point I'd be too out-of-breath or in pain to continue fighting, or if he'd even take me that far (but I think, if I were the spanker, I'd have the tendency to keep at it until the person had stopped resisting). For me, that will probably be the point of absolute exhaustion - at least, until it's happened enough times for me to know what to expect and know that it's going to happen, despite any amount of fuss I might put up. Hopefully, once I know that he is determined to see it through - that I will be getting spanked (and that I'll actually be able to endure it) I'll stop fighting so as not to prolong the agony. Having already given consent (for the man to spank me as he deemed necessary) it wouldn't be a question of "will I allow him do this?" (that much is a given - I already have) as much as it would be, "Is he firm in his resolve to do this, and utterly convinced that I will benefit from it?" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:58 am	Thoughts on Why My Marriage Failed We rushed into it, each of us wanting to get married and have kids. When things settled down, we realized how incompatible we were. I don't know what either of us could have done differently to change the outcome. I tried to be extremely accomodating. But in retrospect, I don't think that's what he wanted. I think (in hopes that he'd take the lead) that I subjugated my own wants and needs to the point where he became a bit of a bully. He regularly told me that he had no respect for me; and that was difficult to live with. I have plenty of faults, and I'm aware of most of them, I think. From his perspective, he had no faults. I don't think I ever measured up, in his eyes. I think I may have set the stage for that early on, though. I met and married him when I was in one of my "denial" phases (denying I need guidance/correction). He claimed to want an equal relationship, and I think he probably did - only that was an impossibility. There were too many things that could never be "equal". My earning potential, for example, wasn't nearly as good (much) as his, and I think he resented that about me. I think in trying to get him to take the lead, I accidentally created a monster. Some of the things he'd do were pretty intolerable. I never felt respected or cared for, much less loved. It was just a bad situation, all around. Maybe if I had been more assertive from the start, rather than attempting to be as accomodating as possible, he would have had more respect for me. I don't think that he had the capability of being the gentle leader I'd always hoped for, so my efforts weren't just in vain; they worked against me. Once he began thinking of me as a doormat it became easy for him to treat me that way. (Comment on this)
12:42 am	Societal Training/Emasculation I've seen evidence of this in more than one relationship I've been in. It's a shame, as it seems like men have had most of their masculinity stolen from them. Men of my generation can't remember (or even conceive of) a time when taking one's woman "in hand" would have been socially acceptable. I feel for men on either side of the issue - ones that suppress their urges because they are told they are wrong for wanting to act in a way that is natural for them, and for those that risk being prosecuted (or labeled as abusive) for doing what, for them, comes naturally (or for doing what their woman needs or requests). There are certain things I wouldn't stand for in a relationship. I wouldn't stay with an abusive man. If a man ever hit me (really *hit* me - with the intent to cause damage and inflict serious pain) I wouldn't give him the opportunity to do it again. I don't view spanking someone as hitting them, though, and that's tough to explain. Causing someone temporary discomfort to facilitate a more harmonious relationship - that doesn't bother me. It doesn't seem that much different than giving someone bad-tasting medicine that they need in order to get better, or giving someone constructive criticism. It may taste bitter; it might sting a bit - but the end more than justifies the means. However, it's horribly complicated. A man can't tell, just by looking at me, that I might give someone I loved and trusted this kind of authority over me. They can't tell that I wouldn't press charges, even if I thought it unfair, and pleaded and tried to talk my way out of it. They can't tell that I welcome the opportunity to trust his judgment and rest secure in the knowledge that he had things under control. It's not as if I can make a sign to this effect and wear it like a billboard. It's a terrible catch-22. I can't imagine feeling hatred (or even true anger) toward someone that I knew had my best interests at heart - even if I felt that the decision he was making at the time was an unfair one. Having given my consent to this kind of relationship, I would trust him to take charge with the understanding that he wouldn't abuse me; that he wouldn't do any lasting damage to me, but would discipline me (when necessary) out of love and concern for me. I'd trust him to learn my limits and not take me beyond them. I wouldn't want to have my spirit or will broken. I wouldn't want to be an obedient drone living in fear of him, but at the same time, I wouldn't want him to take any abuse, verbal or otherwise, from me. I simply couldn't respect a man that would repeatedly (and quietly) allow that. When viewed in such a way, punishment can seem a rather compassionate alternative. Although I might not admit it at that particular point in time, I know that I would ultimately much rather suffer a stinging behind for a day or two than endure the days, possibly weeks of guilt and regret I'd feel after verbally attacking someone I loved. I feel like I could do that, in a general sense - give a man I loved and trusted that kind of authority over me. The real difficulty would come at the point when he decides I need correcting, and I disagree. I'd like to think that I could grit my teeth and endure whatever punishment he prescribed, knowing that I'd ceded that area of my life over to him. I can't imagine threatening to call the police, leave/divorce him, etc. over something we'd mutually agreed upon. I can, however, see myself resisting, crying... possibly pleading with him not to do it. And I would imagine (if he loves me, and is compassionate) that this would make it very difficult for him. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 24th, 2007
10:36 pm	A couple of nights ago I had the rare urge to google myself (it only sounds dirty!) and, for the first time, saw multiple links to my (this) journal. Are others really reading it? I hadn't originally intended it to be for "public consumption" (it was designed to be a place for me to store my writings without having to keep tangible copies around my house, or on the hard drive of my computer). However, if people are reading it, and are in some way benefiting from or enjoying it, I'm honored. I'd be delighted to hear from you, if you're so inclined. The bulk of what I've written here so far has been cut-and-pasted (for posterity) from emails I've exchanged with others that have similar interests. I've all but ignored it for the better part of the year, but I'm once again exchanging emails with people and will post my replies to their questions, pending their approval. I probably would not have much content to add if not for their questions, which often take me down avenues of thought I haven't taken myself down before. Several more entries to follow over the next couple of days. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 22nd, 2007
3:15 am	Asserting Authority vs. Punishing - (later edited for TiH). Perhaps if spanking, etc. is viewed as the man "asserting his authority" rather than "punishing" his woman, it would make more sense. To put it in context, I'll use myself as an example. I have a problem with my temper. I can *usually* keep it in check. But there have been times, in previous relationships, where I've lost control and said hateful things I didn't mean (and later couldn't take back). I've got a *much* better rein on my temper than I once had - but sadly, it has cost me several relationships. :( In the past, partners of mine have reacted in one of three ways when I've lost my temper/yelled at them: 1. By yelling back (thereby adding to the discord and potentially saying things *they* didn't mean and later wished they could take back. 2. By walking away and refusing to argue. 3. By apologizing (even if they had nothing to apologize for). For many women, the course of action that would bring about the quickest end to the argument would be for the man to either apologize or walk away. Not so with me. Shouting back at me would likely only prompt me to shout louder. Walking away or apologizing might seem like the most sensible thing to do, given the circumstances. But I, for whatever reason, would perceive it as weakness on the part of the man. In truth, the man might be displaying a -tremendous- amount of control by walking away from the situation. But I wouldn't see it that way - at least, not at that time. I'd almost certainly continue to argue if I could. If not, I'd likely resurrect the argument at a later time, as I'd see it as being unresolved. Worse yet would be apologizing, especially if the man hadn't done anything that warrants it. The animal in me would interpret it as backing down - and in response, I'd find myself going for the jugular; attacking even more viciously than before. (I'm really embarrassed to admit to having acted like this in the past. I've just read through what I've written so far and it sounds horrible. Please understand that this is a rare example of me at my very worst - the part of me I do my utmost to control.) Now, what if my partner, instead of reacting in one of the above three ways, had employed option four - asserting his authority/maleness/dominance over me? (To be fair, I hadn't ceded authority to these previous partners I mentioned, so they may not have thought it a viable option.) What if my partner, instead of walking away, had (by *picking me up and physically moving me*, if necessary) put me in a room by myself to cool down? I wouldn't have viewed *that* as a display of weakness. He would have stood his ground, instead removing *me* from the equation. Granted, keeping me isolated in a room when I have a mind to continue the argument would be a challenge. There, I suppose, the man would have to either lock me in until I could respond *reasonably* or threaten to further assert his authority. It probably wouldn't take much for me to back down - maybe just a verbal warning. Something to the effect of, "I'm not interested in arguing. If you insist on continuing this, I will put an end to it in a way that you won't find pleasant." If said calmly and reasonably (perhaps even if said in anger) it would likely take all the wind out of my sails. He'd have "bared his teeth" at me, and I, being the smaller and weaker animal, would have (sensibly) backed down. I would have to believe that he would make good on his threat in order for it to work. But work it certainly would! If, god forbid, I still had sufficient fight left in me to continue the argument, he'd have to be willing and able to overpower me and force me to comply. (But heaven help the man that couldn't, as I'm only 4'10"!) In this case, while spanking me *could* be seen as punishment for arguing, I'd see it more as an assertion of his authority. A might-and-inherent-maleness-makes-right type of thing. A "gentle nip" to remind me that I've overstepped my bounds. (Not only his, but my own self-imposed boundaries.) In taking control of the situation he would essentially (if not directly) be saying: "I care about our relationship too much to allow you to jeopardize it". He'd be demonstrating his willingness to cause me minor discomfort, if necessary, to circumvent the *truly* bad stuff - the fighting, name-calling and resulting hurt feelings, which could lead to eventual deterioration of the relationship . Wow! To me, that's heady stuff. It doesn't get much more romantic than that. :) (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 21st, 2007
4:40 am	Introduction Posted to "Taken in Hand" at yahoogroups Hello, my name is Cori, and I'm *not* new to the group. I've been here (and on the "Taken In Hand" website) for nearly two years now. I'm only just now, however, speaking up. Here's a little background information on me, so you'll know where I'm coming from. I'm rather inexperienced as far as being "Taken in Hand" is concerned. Although it is something I've always inwardly craved, it's been easier for me to live without it than admit that I needed or wanted it. I always thought there was something wrong with me. My first clue that I might not be completely crazy came at thirteen, when I was reading a romance novel, and the hero spanked the heroine. I began thinking about all the male-female spanking scenes I'd seen on tv and in old movies over the years (I never forgot ANY of them) and began to suspect that there were too many instances for it to be merely a coincidence. Still, it wasn't something I was comfortable admitting, not even, sometimes, to myself. I dated the same guy throughout high school and didn't tell him about my feelings until shortly before we both went away to college (in different states) and the relationship ended. It was probably just as well - although he had playfully spanked me twice (only a couple of swats each time) he looked at me like I had three heads when I reluctantly admitted to him that I thought that sometimes I might actually benefit from it. In college I "discovered" the Internet and quickly realized that there were others that shared my fascination. Most of them, however, saw spanking and other forms of overpowering a woman as purely sexual. This didn't jibe with how I felt, or how I perceived it. (In all this time I've never found a site that mirrors my feelings as closely as "Taken in Hand" does). I was reluctant to use the Internet to try to "hook up" with others I'd found - in part because it didn't seem like they espoused the same things I did. I eventually met my (now-ex) husband, and although he seemed like an open-minded guy I didn't "come out" to him until a couple of years after we were married. Unfortunately, he wanted a relationship that was perfectly equal in every way. He tried to humor me, but it was so unnatural for him, and he was so put off by it that I finally just let the matter drop. We divorced last year, for (mostly) unrelated reasons. I have no idea where to go from here. Right now I guess it's enough that I'm finally coming to terms with it - that this is the way I am, and it isn't likely to change. While I might not have experienced much in terms of being "Taken in Hand", I've spent a good portion of my 36 years thinking about it. I think I'm ready to finally share some of my insights and (limited) experiences. I look forward to becoming an "active" member of the group. Thanks for your patience, Cori (Comment on this)
4:13 am	Response To Article RE: Is It My Parents' Fault? Perhaps. Probably not. I come from a "traditional" family. My father was always very much the head of the household. My mother, while somewhat subservient, was strong in her own way. They had (still have) a very harmonious marriage. I've never seen my father hit (or spank) my mother. I suppose the way I was raised may have had some influence on why I turned out "this way". I'm pretty sure, however, that I was like this from the start. I remember having what I'd now call "submissive" fantasies starting from a very young age - maybe four or five. (I had "dominant" fantasies as well, but they went away after awhile). Of course, my socialization/exposure to my parents' way of relating to each other *could* have kicked in by then, but I'm reasonably sure that I would have turned out like this regardless of how I was raised. (Comment on this)
3:56 am	In Response to "The Resistant Woman" on TiH Thanks for giving my state-of-being a name. I've never been comfortable thinking of myself as "submissive" - much less referring to myself that way! I definitely have my own opinions and my own agenda. I'll be the first to admit that I like to get my own way. I'm not at all attracted to wishy-washy men, however. They bring out the absolute worst in me. I tend to take advantage of (and lose respect for) them. I'd so much rather be with a man that wouldn't accept that type of behavior, past a certain point. Almost everything I've read on domestic discipline, spanking, etc. has left me cold. I could never be the kind of woman that would willingly crawl across her man's knee - much less ask for a spanking. I have no doubt that there are times when I'd definitely benefit from receiving one, but it's at those times that I would be least likely to submit to one. I can't imagine ever calling someone "Master". I know there are those out there that could, and would want to - but I'm not one of them. While I respect their desire to do so, I know I couldn't do it, myself, without cracking up! What I can see (what I hope to see, someday) is the man that can (gently, but resolutely!) get me to the point where I can say "Yes, I see your point" or "I'm sorry, I was wrong" without feeling like I'm betraying my strong, independent side by doing so. Again, thanks. I now have a term I can identify with. A term I'm -comfortable- identifying with. Thanks, also, for the ray of hope you've given me. It's nice to know there are men out there that value a strong-willed, independent woman. It's nice to know that there are men that don't think in such black-and-white terms as "dom" or "sub". Is there a name (or classification) for the kind of man you see yourself as? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
6:31 pm	Response to More Questions About Preferences, and How I Might React I've always been drawn to tall men. Of course, almost everyone seems tall to me. Most of the guys I've dated have been 6' . My ex-husband is over 6' tall. Yes, I like the idea of being spanked by a tall man. Part of my fantasy involves being overpowered, and generally speaking, the bigger the guy, the easier time he would have of it. Not that I'd be terribly hard to overpower. Also, there's something kind of comforting about having a big guy around. It makes me feel safe and secure so long as I know he wouldn't lay a finger on me in anger, except, possibly, to spank me. Same goes for big hands - "...the easier to spank you with, my dear!" Being a brat doesn't really come naturally to me, although I'm sure I have my moments. The one male friend that I've "come out" to says he's never known me to do anything spank-worthy. We've known each other for two years but he doesn't get to see me at my worst, since we only see each other once or twice a month. He's not a "natural" spanker, but says he'll give it a go if the situation ever calls for it. He worries, though, that spanking me would encourage me to repeat the behavior he was spanking me for. I can't really find the words to explain to him that I like the idea of being spanked, and that I'm not in it for the pain (although he should know well enough by now that I'll do just about anything to avoid pain or discomfort. I'm anything but a masochist. Although the memory of being spanked for punishment would probably fuel my fantasies for years to come, I doubt I'd be enjoying it very much at the time. I guess I can kind of see myself across your knee in a *virtual* sense. It's hard for me to picture myself being spanked at all, really, and even harder trying to imagine being spanked by someone I've never actually met. I'm not really sure how I'd react if I actually found myself across your knee. A lot, I think, would depend on my mood, and the state of mind I was in at the time. If I truly felt remorseful about something, I'd probably still be reluctant, but once over your knee would try to take it. If I didn't think it was justified, or if I was angry at you, I'm sure I'd resist. Me "resisting" though...isn't very effective. I don't attack, I just defend, and I'd never intentionally hurt someone unless I knew that they intended to do serious and lasting damage to me. I'm sure I'd try to pull away, wiggle away, slip out of your grasp - anything to keep from finding myself face-down across your lap. If that failed, I'd probably plead with you not to do it, apologize, try to justify my actions, etc. - anything to try to get you to change your mind. If that failed, I'm sure I'd squirm and try to block the blows. Of course, I -say- this, but if I actually found myself in that situation, it would probably be more of a "deer-in-the-headlights" kind of thing. I'd probably be panicked and frozen in place, not really resisting or complying, incapable of taking any action at all. That's pretty much how it was with the spanking Matt gave me. When I realized what he was about to do, I froze. Resisting or complying wasn't really an issue. There was no way I could have pulled away from him, and nowhere I could have gone unless I wanted to jump from a height of 10-12 feet. Thinking about it -now- is a huge turn on, but at the time I would have done nearly anything to keep it from happening. Time seemed to slow down - everything was happening in slow motion, and my thoughts were a jumble of "you wanted and fantasized about this - now you've got it - are you happy?" and the embarrassment of knowing that we were up on a stage of sorts, with a large, appreciative audience of teen and pre-teen boys. I wish I could say I had some sort of epiphany, or felt some sort of relief or catharsis, but all I really wanted at that moment was for it to just be over. Caressing and squeezing are probably too sexually charged and would make it feel more like an erotic spanking, rather than punishment. For whatever reason, erotic spankings just don't "do it" for me. If giving erotic spankings was something my partner enjoyed, I'd make every effort to make his fantasy a reality, but they wouldn't really do a lot for me, I don't think. Gentle patting afterwards is okay, though, as is resting one's hand on the spankee's bottom beforehand and/or while scolding/lecturing. :) Isn't it weird...preferences seem so arbitrary, really. I don't really know why I'm okay with it one way but not the other. (Comment on this)